Monthly Archives: May 2013

Indonesia here I come

I have decided what my next big destination will be – Indonesia!

I did figure out where I want to go next through one of my meditations sessions.
Once I came out of it I really loved the idea of flying to Jakarta and travel inland and along the coast to Bali! I got really excited about this journey but I also thought about going towards John. I caught my self loosing my confidence about going towards France first.
I did find my balance through the last months and feared, that if I go there I might loose it again?!

Putting away that thought, I hopped on the train early in the morning towards Zurich.

I worked in Zurich for three days. Like I said in my first post, I want to work along my journey also things I have never done before. In these three days I was supposed to work in promotion, and I have done that many times before, but on the second day something with the giveaways went wrong and suddenly I had to jump in as a personal shopper for Chinese customers at this house of brands that I was working at. So there I was with these Chinese Ladies trying to make my sudden new job right, as I was confronted with cultural differences.
I had to get used to the fact that they are treating employees very different and not very respectful. I have heard of this before but I didn’t want to believe that all of them are like this. So I decided to be respectful and tried to show them that we are equals. As I lost most of my clients in this big shopping center, I ended up with one woman alone. In the beginning she literally made me run from one rack to the other. And I cursed Ralph Lauren for not making smaller skirts! I got a bit frustrated with the whole situation and still I didn’t want to believe that this is going to end like this. So I started to ask her all kinds of questions about her travels and her plans. As she started to talk about it she became a lot softer. I even believe that she wasn’t aware of what was happening, but on our way to the wine store we were two women talking together normally and friendly. I tried to tell her something about wine ( of which I have not that much knowledge) and we talked so much that I forgot to tell the cashier that she has a 15% discount. The whole thing ended in me running around the whole building to get her money back and be fast enough so she wouldn’t miss her connecting train.
Sweaty and out of breath I didn’t mind, because she proved to me that she left her box that she was put in.
I really appreciated this new experience and it shows me that we all have this potential of change.

Later I went to my friend Nyima’s house. I stayed with her during this time and she is one of the warmest and most giving hosts I have encountered in my life! One of my dearest friends, Martina, joined us for dinner and over fish, asparagus and salad we spent a lovely evening together talking about life and traveling.

Nyima has been traveling alone as well and this at a much younger age than me. She has not only made a similar experience but she’s awesome at something I am not at all – planing!!
On the first night at her house I slightly became anxious because I had no clue were I would go first once I will arrive in Jakarta. Reading a bit about Jakarta it is not the most beautiful city that you want to spend too much time in. I was hoping that Nyima would give me some tips and may be helping me out with planing the start a bit.
She must have read my mind or sensed my wish, because it didn’t take her long to offer me her help. I was so grateful and could tell that she got excited because she loves doing this.

Planing arrival in Jakarta Planing arrival in Jakarta

I talked to Nyima about my decision of not going towards France first. She was really surprised, because she knew how much I wanted to do that in the first place. I told her about my fear of loosing my balance, and she mentioned to me a passage from an unknown other:

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t
leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about
winning or losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you
appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go
isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn’t leave
emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is
to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having
an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is learning
and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the
experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow.
It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will
soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change,
and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is
realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

I thought about it and came to the conclusion that my fear of loosing my balance is again my fear of loosing control. This journey is supposed to be about listening to my heart and doing what feels right in that moment.
I realized I had to let go.
I didn’t have to dig deep to know that I do want to see him before I go to Indonesia. All the reasons I gave my self for not going were far more excuses.
Life is too short to wait – I picked up my phone and asked him where he will be on the following Thursday!
And it looks like I might be going for a short trip to France. We’ll see…I have one week left till I leave for Indonesia and I am excited to see what will happen till then!

As I reached Thun on my way back from Zurich I couldn’t believe my eyes. It is the end of May, officially summer, and there I looked out the window and saw snow on the hills over Thun!
But if you ever go to Thun, I would recommend it in the “normal” summer, it is a lovely town with lots of “charm” and a beautiful lake with an amazing view over the mountain range.

Thun

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19 – 5 – 2013 Off to Paris – Bern

As I’m sitting in the TGV and looking out the window I start to think about my last week in London. The whole week was just beautiful. I must say as the flowers slowly (even if it is a bit late for my taste) start to peek out of the ground with their beauty, London became more and more exciting. You find a lot more markets outside with fresh food. Yesterday I even came a cross a baker who sold fresh “Challa” (which is a Jewish bread)! It looked so yummy, and I love fresh Challa, that I bought a big one for everyone at the house that I was staying at.

It got finally a bit warmer and cycling becomes more fun. It felt like the whole city woke up from the “winter-sleep”.

I think about my final audition at RADA and how glad I am that I didn’t chicken out! It was a great experience and I haven’t sweated so much in a long time. The next day I was sore on every inch on my body. It reminded me why I love my profession so much. The theater does simply have something magical!
Somewhere on the way this magic just disappeared a bit and for that I also want to go on this journey. I will know in June if I got in or not, and till then I have time to find out what I would do if I get in. In a way it made me think of when I started with my studies thirteen years ago in Paris. I am grateful for it, because it reminded me of that person who had something to say. Why I wanted to work in the theater. For me it was never about becoming a famous actress, but through the years it became a “job” and society puts that believe on you that you have to move up that ladder otherwise you failed. The pressure from outside, this expectation that I have to “make it” robed my creativity and killed that dream of that girl who had something to say. I let others take the magic away. That day I found a spark!

How I said goodbye to my dear friend Ikuyo, whom I miss already. As she said goodbye to me she started to tear up and of course as a result of that, so did I. In that moment I finally realized what I am about to do and I got suddenly scared like hell. I kept thinking; What am I doing? I have not thought this through! Where am I going? I know that I will go eventually to Bali, but I have not even thought that through and right there I realized that I am leaving for the first time my comfort zone.

It is an interesting thing this comfort zone. Even when we think we are leaving it, we trick our self’s and we keep sailing in known waters. To really go out in to the blue is a different feeling. Of course this is for everyone something else. As for me, this is it! I have never just left without a plan. As liberating as it is, it is very scary! You could say I always was in control of everything I would do. Giving up that control suddenly opens up all these possibilities. Suddenly life seems to be full of different colors and I can paint my picture the way I want and feel. I am so grateful for that I keep getting in touch with my self and start to listen to what I want and really feel.

The closer the train gets to Switzerland the more I feel that I don’t want to stay there long. I am so happy to see my mother, family and friends but it also represents one part of that comfort zone and I do not want to fall back in to it.

As much as I love my family and my friends I also believe that sometimes you have to cut yourself loose from them so you can find your true self and find out what YOU want.
Some people don’t understand why I am living my life the way I am. I have no security or a career plan. I am single and only intend on changing this for the right person. If people would force their opinion about “how or what I should be doing” on me, I would many times end up making decisions that would not really make me happy, but I would think that way they are happy with me! If I please them they will be satisfied, happy, shut up and love me! I had to turn 29 to finally wake up and realize that it is my life and I only have that one! So why waste my time pleasing everyone else but me? I finally understood that I have to love myself first!
Yes, there will be people who will not like what I do or wont understand it and try to talk me in to making safe and well thought through decisions. But I have to thank Ikuyo for giving me one of the best advises in a long time. She said every time someone would not shut up and trying to talk me in to thinking this is a bad idea even though I know this is what I want to do I should say: “I am really grateful you care so much but I will still do this!”
What an amazing sentence! It incorporates not only gratitude but you also state again that you stay true to yourself.

I look out the window and see large fields of rapeseed flowers. The bright yellow is popping out of the green. It looks vivid and full of life. With a smile on my face I am ready to start this journey!

Rapeseed Fields


I sold my guitar….

Yesterday I went to Denmark street and sold my guitar. My beautiful acoustic Washburn!

I already went the day before and as I was walking in the rain (This has become a normal condition for me here in London, and still not loving it!), I kept walking circles around that shop where I was going to sell my guitar. And as I was walking I kept coming up with new reasons why I shouldn’t sell my guitar. The longer I took the more reasonable they seemed. Finally I went in to the shop and asked if they want to buy my guitar. Now the funny thing is, I went in to sell my guitar, but the first thing I said was: “I don’t really want to sell my guitar!” It turned out that they had now cash and I needed to come back the next day. So I walked out and kept walking. I rented one of these Barclays bikes and went home. As I was riding home it dawned on me that this is exactly my problem! I want to do something but what I say is something completely different. The actions contradict each other and then we are surprised by the unpleasant outcome. But how should the result be what we want, if we don’t do what we want? Or we fool our self in believing that this is what we want.

Well me personally, I think we often confuse the “want” with “should”! And so there I was on the bike realizing this, and I asked my self do I want to sell my guitar or should I sell my guitar because I can use the money? Of course I can use the money but is this why I am doing it, or can I go on my journey without the money I will get for my guitar?
And the answer is – yes, I will go on this journey anyway!

I want to sell it because I want someone else to enjoy my guitar because I don’t want to take it on my trip!

As soon as I said it out loud and truthfully meant it, all these excuses vanished. The next day I took the bike again and went straight to the shop. I was grateful for the offer that they made me and I left with a smile.

As simply as this realisation with my guitar I think that this is one of the main issues in our society. We live in a generation that lives for the moment. We are addicted to living it to its highest potential. And still we manage to be so unhappy! Now why is that? I believe it is because we are not honest to our self’s! If we would really ask what we want and then also do the things to get want we want, no matter how scary it is, no matter how silly we might look, we would be a lot more content with who we are and therefore even more happy!

I really enjoyed my ride back home. And I started to see things I wasn’t aware. London is a great city and absolutely worth traveling to! If you do, rent one of these bikes.
London is a lot smaller when you go by bike and you can explore it a lot more independently. There are many parks that are so lovely. You can make a stop and eat an ice cream from one of these ice cream buses or you can go through the busiest street and people seem to be totally ok with you riding on a bike. Which I think, is a great attitude from the Londoners.

Here a picture of the famous St. Pauls Cathedral that I passed on my way back.

St. Pauls Cathedral London


First ticket booked!

I decided to do it! I gave my one week notice last week and bought a one way ticket to the first destination.

On the 19th of May I will be jumping on a train from London to Paris and from Paris to Bern.

I promised my mother I will come fix her terrace first, since she of course came up with all sorts of things that need help around the house so I will stop at hers first. I love my mother with all of my heart and absolutely understand where she is coming from. And I can’t wait to finally hug her again!

As for my audition at RADA – I have 3 more days to study and get rid of my horrible flu that I caught. At the moment I have a voice that is the deeper version of Brigitte Bardot! So let’s drink some lavender tea and hope that it will stop raining for a change.

The closer my leaving date comes the more scared I get. But I guess it is a good thing to be scared a little. I do have to admit that there are moments where I am asking my self: “What are you doing Sarah?” But then I have suddenly a smile on my face and my answer is always the same; “I am going on a journey.” Every time it calms me down because it doesn’t imply in any way how this is supposed to be turning out. I am giving my self the liberty of living in the moment. Scary? – Yes! Exciting? – Absolutely!
I have heard from quite a lot of people in the last week that they wish they could do something like this too. Every time I said; “You can!” I hope that may be this blog can inspire some people to do what they want to do. No matter how scary it is or how unrealistic. And that they get inspired like I did when I hear from people who did something like this.

I wrote to John that I will be soon starting my journey and that I have been thinking about him and thought about what could be. So I told him that I have been thinking about going towards his direction first. If he wants to spend some time with me and see what this could be and if not, he could just tell me. I don’t mind. The response was surprising to me because a little part in me thought that he might think I am a bit crazy. But instead he said that it would be great to see me again. It is just a bit tricky because he will be working on a Yacht soon and therefore not always at the same place.
For a whole week I was on a high from my decision and that response. But as always that doesn’t last forever. And as soon as there was no response after a second message I started to question my whole idea. “What am I doing?” – “I am going on a journey!” And there it was again, that smile on my face and in my heart. I am doing this for me and not for anyone else. So what could I loose? Nothing!
I don’t know why I know it, but I am pretty sure I will see him again soon. And till then I will enjoy my journey with all that comes with it.


Let’s start…1st of May…

We all love them. Those movies where we sit and say “ I wish this would happen to me in real life” or “I wish I had the cuts to do that”! But in real life we are too scared of the unknown outcome.

Imagine something simple like, you met without any expectations someone on a breezy night, it was chilly and you were talking with your friends over a drink outside a bar. Suddenly this person stands next to you out of the blue, the moment where you catch each others attention is immediate and you start talking. You talk, talk and keep talking till you realize that most of your friends are leaving. You spend an amazing night with this person and the next day he has to take the next plane and he is gone.

Would you fly across the globe to go see this person just because you want to see him again? Get to know him and find out what this is? Even though you barely know each other, you felt this connection that is worth giving it a shot?
No, you wouldn’t! Because, in real life, we think to quickly about the consequences, how stupid you could look or you could get rejected. He could literally think that you are a stalker or just insane for doing something like this. The chances that he could think this is romantic or courageous and it could actually be that he would be impressed and blown away, does not really cross your mind. We watch those actions in movies. That’s why there are film scripts where we write all our hopes and wishes down and we make actors act them out!

So – I thought about doing exactly those things in real life and write about it while I do them. I will see where it will take me and what comes out of it.

But to make you understand how I came to this point let me back up a little bit before I go on this journey!

I am an actress and came to London a bit more than 3 month ago to pursue my career and get it to the next level. One of the mile stones was to get in to RADA (Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts) and get my Masters in Theater Lab. Ever since I started studying Theater in Paris, which is now 13 years ago, I wanted to go to a school like RADA. All I could think of was that if I make it there I would be a respected actress.

The funny part is, now that I am here and it is right in front of me and seems so possible I start to question if this is really what I want in my life?

It all started about a year and a half ago when my ex-boyfriend of more than six years suddenly decided he had no longer feelings for me. (And I am not even exaggerating) I myself was at the time in a national Theater tour in Switzerland and performed five to six times a week all over Switzerland. I had no time to fall apart because I simply needed to function. But I have to say that the Theater saved me during this time. For the next six month I toured with this production and earned really good money.
And then it quietly started, this process of questioning: “Is this really what I want?”. As long as I can think back, I wanted to become an actress, and I did. I studied, I worked and I put up with the whole hustle of this industry. I studied and worked in France, Switzerland, Spain, New York, LA, Germany and now London. Jobs kept coming in after this tour, and when I finally reached that moment 4 month ago, and I said “I am moving to London”, no one really could understand why I would do that at this point in my career. Because it was just about to start. But for me there was something missing.

Of course I got to hear a lot of comments about that this is normal at this age. When you are between 28 and 32 you go through a big transition in your life. I didn’t really care about all these things but I have to admit that, I my self could feel that there was something that simmered deep down in myself. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. This urge to live my life and to just leave! Even though I left home when I was 15 years old and ever since then I basically traveled from one city to another and studied and worked there. But it was different!
So, I decided to come to London within 3 days. I checked out RADA fell in love with this course and applied for the MA. Moved with one suitcase to London in the month of February, which I sincerely don’t recommend to any new bees to this city, because it is one cold, dark and rainy metro-pole. Which of course is still a fantastic city to live in!
The first week was almost not believable. Everything seemed to work out too well. I even got an agent who wanted to bring me in and already submitted me for a part in my first week here. “Strange” – I thought! “This can’t be true.” And well it was and it wasn’t. She is still writing me every week that she does want to bring me in, but she still hasn’t!

And then something strange happened. My 29th Birthday was around the corner and I started to reflect on my life. The result of that was that I had a major crisis. I said to my self: Bravo Sarah you are soon 29, you work in a bar (another cliche), your career is going absolutely south, you don’t really have an apartment, you have no money, no partner, no children …… and then my much younger flatmate Jendrek from Poland made me realize what I did up to this moment in my life. And suddenly I became really grateful for my life and for all the experiences I was able to make so far.
I restarted meditating everyday like I used to a couple of years ago, and more and more I came at peace with my self and the fact that I am going to be 29. I decided to be the positive person again that I used to be. And I changed the way of looking at things and started to like working at the bar again and just became really grateful for all that was going on in my life.
The meditating had one side effect. It brought me the first time in my life closer to my self so that I asked in an honest way “ What do you want”! And my answer was ; “I want to go to Bali”!

My birthday was beautiful and the next day I was happier than ever before. I was content with my self. And for the first time I realized that I don’t have the need to prove to anyone what I can achieve or do. I simply didn’t care. I felt so good – I was just happy!

And there it is. I came to London 3 Month ago with the strong believe that I have to get my career to the next level. I have to get somewhere in life. It took me more or less a year and a half to get over my last relationship and exactly four years till I finally came back to life after the death of my father.
Now that I got to the last stage and I have exactly 11 days left till my final big Audition at RADA. I suddenly am not so sure anymore if I want to do it – even if I get in!

What I really want to do is to travel and see the world. Live the moment and allow my self for the first time to just be! With no expectations!
I think I call that definitely the next level! It’s just a matter of defining that level!!

I have exactly 11 days, because I will take this exam and then – the world will be my oyster! I have not decided what exactly will happen after that day. But for now I know that I will have a place to crash exactly till then.

So what if I am gonna drop off my stuff at my mother’s place in Switzerland pack my backpack and with only very little money in my bank account I decide the next destination?

And what if my first destination is going in the direction of John?

Who is John? Well John is that movie moment. Four days before my birthday I met him here in London and no matter what it is or what it will be, there is something about him that makes me want to see him again and find out who he is. May be he is the trigger I need, to do this, and may be we will become good friends or may be this will be a lot more!

Then from there finally learn really how to surf. Since this is one of the biggest things I put aside all these years!
There are many things I have never done and would love to learn or have the privilege to experience. I have for example never sailed in my life before and I imagine it to be magical. I always wanted to work in a orphanage for children and help to improve their possibilities in life.

Now I have the time to explore all these things. I have not made a plan but I do know that I eventually want to go to Bali, Australia and New Zealand.
And who knows may be there are going to be less destinations and may be more. It doesn’t matter.

I will leave and go meditate and just leave with no plan for the first time in my life.


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