The road was tricky to get through with the car and it seemed there was not going to be anything at the end. Here and there was a little hut with kids who played in front of it. I thought I saw the raw Indonesia when I was in Java but Lombok thought me different. There was absolutely nothing here and it was beautiful! The further we got, people started to recognize the guys since they have been here many times.
Hendra sat on the back of the bike of his dad on his way to school, when he recognized Ed who drove the car. He loves Eddy so much that a couple of years a go, Eddy would always find Hendra sleeping next to him in the morning when he was waking up. He is a remarkable boy. Five years ago his foot got stock in the motorbike and ripped almost the whole foot apart. He lost a view toes and a massive scar with a big pump has left a trade mark on his foot now. But today Hendra is walking and surfing as if nothing happened. When I saw his foot and looked around me I started to think where on earth they took him back then. There was no real doctor here and the nearest hospital must be hours away.
We finally made it and arrived in Desert Point. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in my life! There is nothing but may be five to six huts and the beach. Jay and Ed know them since years and are very good friends with the people who live here and host the huts. We were lucky and got one of the rooms right in the front.
I could feel how my lungs opened up and were able to breath deeply. After the hustling ferry-ride through the night and the last view weeks in Uluwatu it was such a big relieve to be out here in the nature surrounded by nothing but beauty. Bali has become such a hip place and has grown immensely through the last view years that it is no longer the peaceful place that it used to be. The locals started to smell the money and keep building hotel after hotel for more tourism without the thought of the future and what will be left for their children. Never the less, Bali is amazing and still beautiful. You just have to know where to go.
It was hide tide when we arrived and perfect for me to go surfing. The reef here in Desert Point is crazy. When it is low tide you can walk out all the way and the big waves break right in front of you. It is quite dangerous and you need a certain level to be able to surf it. For me the only chance to surf was when it is high tide.
I paddled out and still saw the reef below me it was so shallow. But I was taken in by the share beauty of the clear blue water, the sun and everything that surrounded me that I didn’t pay to much attention to the reef.
Jay came out and gave me some more instructions on my surfing and I started to improve on every wave I took. He pushed me harder and kept saying: “Come on hurry up get back on the board there is another wave. Paddle – paddle harder – NOW get up – look up not down!” I wouldn’t say it, but I really liked the fact that he cared and pushed me so much. I couldn’t believe my life, my heart was literally jumping up and down of happiness. Here I was in one of the most amazing places I have ever been with a man I meet out of the blue who seemed to love me for just the way I am. A man who couldn’t be more different to me than anyone I met so far and still it felt like to souls that have been looking for each other all this time have found one-another.
His face lit up in a way that I haven’t seen before once we were at Desert’s. He got so relaxed and excited at the same time knowing that soon he will be able to finally ride some big waves again. It was like a kid in a candy store, who just got told you ‘can eat whatever you would like’. When he asked me if I like it here and if I am happy his smile got even bigger after he heard my joyful yes!
The boys were surprised that I liked it so much and they also were scared that after a day or two I would be bored to death because there is nothing here but nature and no luxury at all. Apparently most women wouldn’t like it here and would never join them on a trip to Desert Point, which I couldn’t understand at all. From all my travels this is exactly what I have been waiting for!
Sidi is one of the women who lives here at the huts we stayed at and she is also one of the best cooks I have encountered so far. Her and Ratni, which is her sister in law cooked for us everyday and made us feel home form the first second we arrived. Ratni who speaks more or less no English at all seemed to like me for some reason. She would always say Saraaaahhh whit a big smile when I walked by or asked her for something. I wished I could speak her language then I wanted to know so much more about her life here in Deserts. For us having the luxury to come and surf, enjoy life and go again when ever it pleases us is something else but for them to be born here and life here all their life must be a totally different story. And I was determined to find out more about it!
I was sitting on the bench, relaxing and happy after my surf which was fantastic –looking out in the ocean and when little Hendra crused by on his bike. The pure joy of life that Hendra carries in his eyes showed me again what I was looking for, ever since I left London. Gratitude for being alive and what you have! That little boy is ten years old now, survived a massif accident in the desert where you get boils so easily due to the fact that you are in the tropics. He has two books that he keeps reading over and over and it made me think of all the kids I know back home and the amount of toys and cloth they have and still need more. He learned surfing on have of a surfboard and now has one Karne, the son of Eddy gave to him. Karne who is eleven and Hendra surfed every day together. Karne who is already a top-notch surfer, finally became a kid again once he had some other kids around him. Since he is often just with the boys he forgets sometimes that he is only eleven years old.
I was so thankful to be able to experience all of this, especially after last week when my old life seemed to creep back in to my present. I was frustrated that I left so far and yet still I felt haunted by the things I left on purpose behind me. I had good reasons for leaving even though there might be people who don’t understand my point of view or my actions. I didn’t come so far to be back in the same boat. I wanted to find my own way regardless of how I was brought up or what I was used to. Regardless of what may be my family members think I should be doing in my life. It is harder than one thinks to go out in the world and find your own way that makes you happy. Often we are marked by what we know since we were little and the people that surround us that we think we have to continue life exactly the same way. We don’t take a second thought or better the risk of finding out what sort of life would fit perfectly for one self.
Hendra reminded me with his smile on my luck.
It is like in Gregory David Roberts wrote in his book ‘Shantaram’:” …try to relax completely, and go with the experience. Just … let yourself go. Sometimes, in India, you need to surrender before you win.” I believe this sentence is not only true for India but for your whole life. At first it was hard to let go of my old habits and known circumstances. And it is funny how long one tries to hold on to them. Almost feeling guilty of liking the new life you catch yourself bringing back up the past, which evidentially will bring back those thoughts and fears in to the present. But if you let go you will change too and you will never be the same person that you used to be. Which can be scary and liberating at the same time.
I had it the other night when I took a walk at night at the beach. Millions of stars were shining bright and with the milky-way the universe created a marvellous painting in the sky. I sat down and looked at it for a while. I could feel that my feelings were all over the place. I didn’t yet surrender, forcefully I tried the last couple of days to control my feelings again. I caught my self how I started to relive habits from my past relationship and of course I wasn’t happy with it. I didn’t want to do it but for some reason my body and mind were acting on its own. While looking at the stars I realised that ever since my father passed away I fear I could get too attached to someone, and so I looked for things that could cause a problem or I manipulated the current situation unaware of that I was doing it. I decided to walk back to the huts and find Jay. I had the sudden urge to tell him what was going on with me. As I came back, he just got massaged by Amad, who is a medical healer in his own way. His treatment is not pleasant, but he finds the cause of your pain and relieves it. Underneath the pain from Amad’s massage, Jay asked me if I no longer show him the cold shoulder. I was quite surprised that he noticed it so quickly. He pulled me down next to the floor and asked me how my walk was. My words seemed stuck in my mouth they didn’t want to come out even though my heart wanted nothing more than to tell him all of what I just realised. All I could say was a whispering ‘yes’. When Amad was done with his work he jumped up with his fit body of his and lit up a cigarette. There is not one gram of fat on him. We call him the Bruce Lee of Lombok. Jay and I went outside with him and Jay pulled me to the side and asked me what was going on. My words were still tangled in my mouth and I couldn’t find a way to put them in order. He lifted up my head with his hand and said: “Look me in the eyes.” I could feel that he was looking right through me in to the deepest corner of my heart that I have been trying to hide and before I could say it he said: “Are you afraid you could get too attached to me?” “Yes” I said with a crack in my voice. And I told him all about my fears, about my Dad and how I didn’t want to have the same relationship like my last one. And he said. “ You gotta let go of the past. It is no longer here I am your present and future now.” It was in that moment that I let go and I just gave in. I opened up my heart even more to myself to him and to the present.
The next day I woke up more at peace with my self than I can put in words. I realised that I took a huge step and that I was ready to go further. Ready to live my life my way and stop forcing a life that others want me to live.