Old Demons

Have you ever had these moments where you are simply overwhelmed with what you are feeling and what is happening in your life? Those moments you could jump in the air because you literally can feel in every part in your body that you are alive?
You are happy and at the same time almost sad because you feel all these different emotions that are too much for you? You wish you could cut your self in half so you could be in two places at the same time?

I have reached that moment in Australia. I am so happy and at the same time I have this urge to go home. Why wouldn’t I be happy? If you have ever been here you know what I am talking about and if not put that country on the top of your ‘countries to visit’ list. It has something magical. I for one have never seen such beautiful beaches and landscape. You tend to forget what you have to do during the day because it is simply tempting to just get up in the morning go for a surf then drive to the fruit-shop have a healthy fruit-shake, then you may be go to a different beach or the house have a rest and tan a little with your friend, read or write or do both and then go for another surf. And before you can blink, that day is over.

I was conflicted between two worlds. I love surfing and the beach. I have found such great friends here and the sister I never had, but I also love my work and miss London and my friends over there. I miss the fast pace of the multicultural city like London from what I get so much inspiration of. I could sense that I was close to go home but not yet, there was something I had to overcome first. I just wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but deep down I could feel it.

Not knowing but slightly having a suspicion of what I had to finally accept I went on a camping trip with my friend Kat. Even though my bank account resembled ground zero I went anyway because she wanted me to, and invited me for the whole trip. What a lucky girl I am! So we packed the car to the limit. It seemed to quill out of the windows but Kat wanted to be sure she had everything she possibly could need whilst camping. I jugged my backpack in the front seat my surfboard on top of the roof and I was ready. Kira and her friend were in the backseat and off we went. Two women and two teenage girls – that sure was a lot of oestrogen in one car!

As if men do not already have enough ‘wrong’ opinions about women and cars we made sure that we gave that stereo type picture fully it’s value ten minutes in to the drive. I really needed my coffee and so we stopped in Thirroul at the one coffee shop that you can sit out side. As we hopped back in the car and ready to go, the car would not start anymore! We turned the engine over and over, embarrassed about not being able to start the car we of course got more and more nervous that someone (a man) would come over and tell us what to do. Of course there was someone coming over – a man – and said: ‘Emm…I think your car is broken and you should probably call for help or at least stop doing what you are doing right now because you are gassing us all out here!!’ Four pares of eyes and stared at him, we nodded with our heads and then we just burst out in laughter. What a start, we thought! So I had the glorious idea of getting an ice cream while we give the car a rest. See, what that man didn’t know was that Kat’s car is a bit moody. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. After the ice cream we hopped back in the car and there you go, off we drove towards Jervis Bay – Green Patch, to the national park further down south next to the Ozzie pipe.

I loved it! Being in the nature putting up a tent and getting that camping feeling going. I saw my kangaroos and wallabies, birds I have never seen before and the whites sand beach ever! It was so beautiful I had to run in the clear water even though it was not so warm – Kira and I loved it!

In the evening Kat and I sat in front of the tent, had a beer and with our small oil lamp that gave the whole setting a nostalgic feeling, we started to talk about all sorts of things from our life’s. We started to do the angel cards and we were blown away how accurate they were. I kept getting the card ‘acceptance’ and tried to figure out what it was I had to accept?! I went through so much of my past that at first I couldn’t think of what it was. Then it dawned on me. There was something in my past and current life that always left a big grey cloud around my aura and I tended to make a big forgo around it. I convinced my self that if I do not talk about it and keep hoping it will eventually vanish or turn it to the good thing I was hoping for. But there comes a time in life that we all know certain things you cant change and it takes away all your energy and positivity if you keep trying to change them. It is a big step to come to the point where you accept this fact that it will not change and that the best thing might be to detach your self from it.
I knew I had this in front of me but at the same time I had no clue how!
So for the very first time I told someone, my friend, the whole story. I immediately saw patterns I never saw and I was able to be far more honest to my self about it all. Kat of course made her comments to the problem, and her outside opinion helped me see it clearer. May be it was the night that was clear and fresh or the oil lamp combined with the beer or may be it was everything, but I felt that this was the beginning of a big turning point in my life.

A view weeks ago, someone I feel very connected to, mentioned that it is easier to detach your self from your present ravages when you are in a different country away from your known environment.
I started to think about that. Is it true that it is easier when you are further away? Is it even possible to detach your self from your ravages totally in a different place or would they catch up with you as soon as you go back?

I would soon know the answer to this question.

It all started when I had one week left before I would make my way back to Europe. My childhood friend’s wedding was the main reason for my leaving Australia. And even though I wanted to go home since a while I kept waiting for the sign to let me know now when it is the right moment.

All the sudden in that one-week before I left I felt like old demons tried to make their way back in to my life. How is this possible after all I learned, overcame and made peace with? I started to fear that day of the departure due to not really knowing what is going to be on the other side. And since I have changed and grown in a different direction will the people back home accept and support that change or have their issues with it? I started to ask my self if I really do not have expectations from a certain someone and realised that there are going to be all sorts of new confrontations back home, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it.

As soon as I picked the date to leave I started to reminisce about everything in Australia. I was tempted to stay! And then the universe gave me my last test for this journey. That one thing I ran away from.
For the last time I did again something for my family and not for my self and when I received the answer you can literally say the ‘shit hit the fan’! I felt like a big wave crushed over me took me under and the weight of the water was crushing me down. Trying to get back up, this feeling of trying to swim towards the light while the air in your body gets smaller and smaller and you fear about to drown. I cried for hours not understanding what is happening, why is this keep happening, what did I do wrong? And then I reached the surface I made it back up towards the light and took a big breath. I finally got it. It is time to let go, to accept the fact of that certain things in life will not change and you can’t change them! Yes, it means probably that you will have to accept a loss of certain people in your life and that you have to accept that this picture you made in your mind, this picture of that family you so wanted to have will eventually fade. And you might wonder if your future path is going to be lonely since you know they wont be part of it anymore but then ask your self how much were they really there for you before?
When I finally came to terms with it and made the active decision to accept that it will not change and that I do not want this in my future anymore, I felt a tremendous relief. I knew right there that this was one of the last things on my journey I needed to learn and that now I am ready to start my new life.

Still nervous about going back and so sad to leave Australia and my friends I was looking forward to my friends wedding in the Swiss Alps!

Green Patch


About sarahschaefer

Pancakes and Panthers is a blog about the philosophical aspects of self discovery of a young actress from London. Life is too short to wait! View all posts by sarahschaefer

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