Monthly Archives: November 2013

Fiction

As I was sitting in the bar that I used to work for, with a friend, listening to this handsome Argentinian musician playing his tunes, I couldn’t help but wonder:

How much of our reality is self-constructed fiction of our own minds?

My journey had its impact on me! Ever since I arrived back in London everything seemed to fall into its place! I couldn’t believe what was happening! Not only have I found the impossible in London, a lovely home including a lovely flatmate, but also a fabulous landlord who happened to hire me in his artsy venue on the weekend as a bartender. I reconnected with my friends I haven’t seen in a while, and I also finally came to the point to be courageous enough to do the one thing I dreamed of since years!!

I finally founded my own theatre company! With my founding member Mischa who carries the same creative views as I, we founded The Newspeak Theatre Company! My heart was racing from the moment on that letter came in the post. “You are now officially the owner of The Newspeak Theatre Company limited! Wow! What a milestone! I started to feel the pressure that my sudden new position was putting me in. Not only did I have many responsibilities I also had to deliver! Between the fear of loosing “the actress” and becoming more “the producer”, I found myself finally using all my potential that I was so long looking for! The share challenge of grasping my new role fulfilled me to an amount I wasn’t used to so far in my life. Days passed in a split second as I was working my “ass of” with Mischa to bring this company to life and set up its first production.

How was this possible? Six month ago I left with the insecurity that I wouldn’t have enough knowledge to make this happen. I left with being lost in my own translation of my so-called life. I came back as a new me who knows who she is and what she wants. Never have I seen the picture so clear! I couldn’t have been happier. My career was finally going in the direction I so long aspired for.

One could say: Task achieved! What else did you leave for so long to find your self and figure out what you want! Right?

I looked back at the handsome Argentinian singer. He was perfect. Tall – good hair – charming smile – wonderful voice and sang lyrics that made my heart melt. As he came of stage I was outside smoking my cigarette, when I told him that I really liked his set. He smiled at me and he couldn’t have been more charming. I had every good reason to be flattered and join the game that we so often play in that race with the hope of leaving the single zone! But for some reason I didn’t join the game. My thoughts were far more somewhere else. I went back in and had another sip of my red wine with my friend.

I glanced at my bag that was sitting next to me with my new purchased vintage dress in it that I couldn’t afford at all, when my friend asked me for what occasion I bought it. I said that l would be going out for some good jazz and hopefully some dancing with my “friend” tomorrow. He smiled and said: “Friend?” Of course he knew that I was talking about that one person in particular.

It was almost too perfect when I came back. It felt like all I longed for just came to me including that one special person. Strolling through London and its vintage and record stores, laughing, trying on original outfits and dancing between CD shelves, having wonderful conversations that seemed to last forever, I wished there was a “hold” button. I was happier than ever even though it was bloody cold. I didn’t want to think about what this is, where is this going, or what are we doing? Is this the right moment or do we have to bring everything in order in our separate lives before we can figure out what this is? I couldn’t be bothered with thinking about reality, but there it was that moment when reality suddenly kicks you in your butt and you realise it is all a bit too perfect to be true.

There you have two people with a lot of baggage from their past, clearly having a special connection, an attraction that is palpable but too afraid they would mess that up by getting closer.
And I wondered how much did I really learn on my journey? Sure, I found out so much about who I am and what I want, but did I actually learn to be honest to my self when it comes to my heart? Or is it far more easier, to stay in that world of fiction? It is so easy to create that perfect scenario in your imagination and then hide in reality in your work and everyday life. Have we all become too cynical to believe in love? My friend clearly gave up on it after his heart was ripped in to pieces and quite frankly said to me that fairy tales don’t exist! Now why does it automatically have to be a fairy tale? And what is a fairy tale in 2013? In a time where we are more concerned about our own success than relationships, how much space is there for fairy tales??

I left, jumped on the next bus home and quickly said hello to my friend Giulia. What a beautiful woman she is, strong and so fragile at the same time. When I listen to her story about her son and her husband and how difficult it all is, I couldn’t help but wonder:

How much are we willing to sacrifice?

For her it is so obvious what she is fighting for and I believe it shows great character to be a woman like she is. But what was I willing to sacrifice? Through my journey I learned to stay true to my self and not be someone I am not for someone else. I learned how to love, respect and believe in myself again. I believe that through that achievement I managed to come to the point of having the courage to finally have founded my theatre company and go after what I want. But why does it seem that when it comes to our hearts we often back off from what we want? Are the scares too deep? My scares from my surfing adventures were healing slowly, less obvious and red but they would always be there. They became a part of my body – of me – and I learned to accept that my skin on my legs would never look the same again no matter how many creams I would put on them. Now when I look down on my legs and I see them I feel almost proud that I have been able to go on this journey and make all these experiences that have thought me lessons for life. It reminds me of every single person that I met and spent my time with in that period of my life. With some more intense than with others, but I wont forget any and I am grateful to have met all of them!

May be we can bring back sort of a fairy tale possibility if we are able to look at our deepest scares in our hearts with a certain proudness that we were courageous enough to have made this experience in life. If we manage to look at them as a gift rather than we “fucked up”, then may be we can be open to the true connection that lies in front of us and that we are so scared of. And with a little less fear about doing it right this time we might not need all the control over our hearts that we so desperately try not to let go.

I decided to do some more work for the company and put my mind at rest for the time being. I realised that I already did have a fairy tale. I had a wonderful “friend” who believed in me and my work like no one else, someone I could talk to about everything, someone who once said: “I like the way your brain works!” What greater gift is there?! I looked down at my wrist and my new tattoo, smiled and said it out loud: Just go with the flow!

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Go for It vs. Patience

With a huge jet lag I made it to the wedding! What a beautiful occasion it was and how thankful I am that I was able to be part of it! The day was glorious and the sun was shining – just perfect! The panorama from the top of the mountain where they got married was incredible!

The next day I drove back down to Thun where my jet lag finally made its full attack on me. Lost in translation and delirious between being awake and asleep I looked at my surfboard in the corner. The longer I stared at it the more was my heart longing for the beach and the next wave. I thought about Stanwell Park and everybody I left behind. My eyes got heavy and I fell asleep again having the scent of the salt of the sea in my nose. I saw myself paddling through the water, strong and powerful. Finally I sat on my board and I stared out in the ocean! It was calm and peaceful. I put my right hand out flat in the water, like I always did to feel the sea and its movement. The next wave was on its way and … awake I was staring back at my board!!
I did want to go back to London but I would heave never thought to get so attached to another place in such a short time.

The funny thing is, that I thought that my journey – this trip – comes to an end once I’ll return to London, but as the days passed in Switzerland I more and more started to believe that I am not there yet – at the end of this journey.

My days passed in Switzerland and I was happy to be able to have spent it with my lovely mother. What a beautiful person she is, so inspiring and strong! I am so grateful to have a person in my life I can always turn to with the most ridiculous questions and not having to feel stupid about it. As we grow older we learn how to handle life by our self, we are no longer in need of the constant supervision of our parents, but I must say it is still amazing that you can be soon thirty years old and in some way you will always be that girl that runs crying in to her mothers arms when you fell on the playground. What a privilege I have!

On the day of my departure a big storm hit London and all the airports were closed. I literally started to pray that my plane was not cancelled! Was that a sign? But my plane left on time and I was on my way to London!

My heart was pounding the closer I got to London. There was no turning back anymore. I was about to face the one thing that was so much easier to handle in the distance. I knew that the moment will very soon be here, where I will have to face my feelings towards someone special in my life. No more running away or dwelling in memories or thoughts.

I landed – walked out of the airport – jumped on the tube – and dragged all my stuff including my surfboard through London. I needed about five minutes to figure out if my decision of coming home was the right one – And it was!!! And then something interesting happened. London does not have the reputation of that people talk to each other in the streets or are super help full. I can officially object to that reputation now. Suddenly all these random people started helping me carrying my luggage up and down those stairs. In the end two lovely young guys helped me outside and even called me a taxi. I had the proof that there must be something true about that ‘myth’ of the law of attraction. I was so happy the moment I landed that I must have sent out only these vibes. What better way of being welcomed be a city than have it’s people help you in such a nice way. And as if it wasn’t already a good start, it only got better once I reached my friends flat and Finn welcomed me with a glass of wine in the yard. We talked about my travels and what happened in London in the last six month.

The next day was almost overwhelming for me with all these inputs of the city! London is such a vivid active city – it is incredible – I love it!

Aside from being so happy to be back I couldn’t hide anymore from the one moment that I was scared of the most. We all know how to handle the coming back with friends, finding a flat, a job – doing all these things are manageable, but how is it possible to be so scared and nervous to come back to that one special person?
I was thinking of all these words we have written each other over the period of my travels, and realised that writing is far easier than standing suddenly again in front of this person. What if we would to realise that we had nothing to say to each other?!!
I experienced a new level of nervousness, but as soon as I saw those eyes I had the last proof that my decision of coming home was the right one, but I was confronted with a new conflict:

Go for It vs. Patience

Focusing on my self for all these month and finding my self, I achieved finally to be happy with who I am. I learned to stay true to my self. I have no more need of being someone for someone else that I am not.
There was no question – I knew what I wanted!
But I found my self in a place that I have never experienced before!! My brain seemed not to work anymore. If you find yourself in a situation where everything seems to be right, then why not go for it? Why even think about patience? Life is too short to wait – right?!
Is it because you’re scared? Or could it be that it feels so right that you feel inhibited to act on it? I am soon thirty years old and made my share bad experiences but as I was sitting in front of him I couldn’t think of one good reason why not to go for it.

I didn’t know what to do or think and so I threw my self in apartment hunting. My longing after my own home was getting bigger by the moment. I must have really tried to distract my self big time. Only after three days I have found my new home including my lovely new flat mate Lucy! The place has its Charm and I finally came home and was able to relax.

I decided to go with the words of Kat: “Go with the flow!” Or at least I kept saying it over and over to myself, but actually I was more in the zone! There was quite some work I had to do and I haven’t written a word for the pieces I have been asked to write. Instead I caught myself staring at the white page on my computer screen, – happy – thinking of something completely different. Unable to bring down one thought on paper that made sense I decided to go for a Sunday walk to the Chatsworth road market. All the different food markets smelled fabulous. I stopped at a vintage clothing stand, looked at a view books and a smile appeared on my face. I realised that my real journey has yet just started!

Now that I know who I am and what I want, I finally can go for it with patience!

Schönried Switzerland


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