Go for It vs. Patience

With a huge jet lag I made it to the wedding! What a beautiful occasion it was and how thankful I am that I was able to be part of it! The day was glorious and the sun was shining – just perfect! The panorama from the top of the mountain where they got married was incredible!

The next day I drove back down to Thun where my jet lag finally made its full attack on me. Lost in translation and delirious between being awake and asleep I looked at my surfboard in the corner. The longer I stared at it the more was my heart longing for the beach and the next wave. I thought about Stanwell Park and everybody I left behind. My eyes got heavy and I fell asleep again having the scent of the salt of the sea in my nose. I saw myself paddling through the water, strong and powerful. Finally I sat on my board and I stared out in the ocean! It was calm and peaceful. I put my right hand out flat in the water, like I always did to feel the sea and its movement. The next wave was on its way and … awake I was staring back at my board!!
I did want to go back to London but I would heave never thought to get so attached to another place in such a short time.

The funny thing is, that I thought that my journey – this trip – comes to an end once I’ll return to London, but as the days passed in Switzerland I more and more started to believe that I am not there yet – at the end of this journey.

My days passed in Switzerland and I was happy to be able to have spent it with my lovely mother. What a beautiful person she is, so inspiring and strong! I am so grateful to have a person in my life I can always turn to with the most ridiculous questions and not having to feel stupid about it. As we grow older we learn how to handle life by our self, we are no longer in need of the constant supervision of our parents, but I must say it is still amazing that you can be soon thirty years old and in some way you will always be that girl that runs crying in to her mothers arms when you fell on the playground. What a privilege I have!

On the day of my departure a big storm hit London and all the airports were closed. I literally started to pray that my plane was not cancelled! Was that a sign? But my plane left on time and I was on my way to London!

My heart was pounding the closer I got to London. There was no turning back anymore. I was about to face the one thing that was so much easier to handle in the distance. I knew that the moment will very soon be here, where I will have to face my feelings towards someone special in my life. No more running away or dwelling in memories or thoughts.

I landed – walked out of the airport – jumped on the tube – and dragged all my stuff including my surfboard through London. I needed about five minutes to figure out if my decision of coming home was the right one – And it was!!! And then something interesting happened. London does not have the reputation of that people talk to each other in the streets or are super help full. I can officially object to that reputation now. Suddenly all these random people started helping me carrying my luggage up and down those stairs. In the end two lovely young guys helped me outside and even called me a taxi. I had the proof that there must be something true about that ‘myth’ of the law of attraction. I was so happy the moment I landed that I must have sent out only these vibes. What better way of being welcomed be a city than have it’s people help you in such a nice way. And as if it wasn’t already a good start, it only got better once I reached my friends flat and Finn welcomed me with a glass of wine in the yard. We talked about my travels and what happened in London in the last six month.

The next day was almost overwhelming for me with all these inputs of the city! London is such a vivid active city – it is incredible – I love it!

Aside from being so happy to be back I couldn’t hide anymore from the one moment that I was scared of the most. We all know how to handle the coming back with friends, finding a flat, a job – doing all these things are manageable, but how is it possible to be so scared and nervous to come back to that one special person?
I was thinking of all these words we have written each other over the period of my travels, and realised that writing is far easier than standing suddenly again in front of this person. What if we would to realise that we had nothing to say to each other?!!
I experienced a new level of nervousness, but as soon as I saw those eyes I had the last proof that my decision of coming home was the right one, but I was confronted with a new conflict:

Go for It vs. Patience

Focusing on my self for all these month and finding my self, I achieved finally to be happy with who I am. I learned to stay true to my self. I have no more need of being someone for someone else that I am not.
There was no question – I knew what I wanted!
But I found my self in a place that I have never experienced before!! My brain seemed not to work anymore. If you find yourself in a situation where everything seems to be right, then why not go for it? Why even think about patience? Life is too short to wait – right?!
Is it because you’re scared? Or could it be that it feels so right that you feel inhibited to act on it? I am soon thirty years old and made my share bad experiences but as I was sitting in front of him I couldn’t think of one good reason why not to go for it.

I didn’t know what to do or think and so I threw my self in apartment hunting. My longing after my own home was getting bigger by the moment. I must have really tried to distract my self big time. Only after three days I have found my new home including my lovely new flat mate Lucy! The place has its Charm and I finally came home and was able to relax.

I decided to go with the words of Kat: “Go with the flow!” Or at least I kept saying it over and over to myself, but actually I was more in the zone! There was quite some work I had to do and I haven’t written a word for the pieces I have been asked to write. Instead I caught myself staring at the white page on my computer screen, – happy – thinking of something completely different. Unable to bring down one thought on paper that made sense I decided to go for a Sunday walk to the Chatsworth road market. All the different food markets smelled fabulous. I stopped at a vintage clothing stand, looked at a view books and a smile appeared on my face. I realised that my real journey has yet just started!

Now that I know who I am and what I want, I finally can go for it with patience!

Schönried Switzerland


About sarahschaefer

Pancakes and Panthers is a blog about the philosophical aspects of self discovery of a young actress from London. Life is too short to wait! View all posts by sarahschaefer

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