As I was sitting in the bar that I used to work for, with a friend, listening to this handsome Argentinian musician playing his tunes, I couldn’t help but wonder:

How much of our reality is self-constructed fiction of our own minds?

My journey had its impact on me! Ever since I arrived back in London everything seemed to fall into its place! I couldn’t believe what was happening! Not only have I found the impossible in London, a lovely home including a lovely flatmate, but also a fabulous landlord who happened to hire me in his artsy venue on the weekend as a bartender. I reconnected with my friends I haven’t seen in a while, and I also finally came to the point to be courageous enough to do the one thing I dreamed of since years!!

I finally founded my own theatre company! With my founding member Mischa who carries the same creative views as I, we founded The Newspeak Theatre Company! My heart was racing from the moment on that letter came in the post. “You are now officially the owner of The Newspeak Theatre Company limited! Wow! What a milestone! I started to feel the pressure that my sudden new position was putting me in. Not only did I have many responsibilities I also had to deliver! Between the fear of loosing “the actress” and becoming more “the producer”, I found myself finally using all my potential that I was so long looking for! The share challenge of grasping my new role fulfilled me to an amount I wasn’t used to so far in my life. Days passed in a split second as I was working my “ass of” with Mischa to bring this company to life and set up its first production.

How was this possible? Six month ago I left with the insecurity that I wouldn’t have enough knowledge to make this happen. I left with being lost in my own translation of my so-called life. I came back as a new me who knows who she is and what she wants. Never have I seen the picture so clear! I couldn’t have been happier. My career was finally going in the direction I so long aspired for.

One could say: Task achieved! What else did you leave for so long to find your self and figure out what you want! Right?

I looked back at the handsome Argentinian singer. He was perfect. Tall – good hair – charming smile – wonderful voice and sang lyrics that made my heart melt. As he came of stage I was outside smoking my cigarette, when I told him that I really liked his set. He smiled at me and he couldn’t have been more charming. I had every good reason to be flattered and join the game that we so often play in that race with the hope of leaving the single zone! But for some reason I didn’t join the game. My thoughts were far more somewhere else. I went back in and had another sip of my red wine with my friend.

I glanced at my bag that was sitting next to me with my new purchased vintage dress in it that I couldn’t afford at all, when my friend asked me for what occasion I bought it. I said that l would be going out for some good jazz and hopefully some dancing with my “friend” tomorrow. He smiled and said: “Friend?” Of course he knew that I was talking about that one person in particular.

It was almost too perfect when I came back. It felt like all I longed for just came to me including that one special person. Strolling through London and its vintage and record stores, laughing, trying on original outfits and dancing between CD shelves, having wonderful conversations that seemed to last forever, I wished there was a “hold” button. I was happier than ever even though it was bloody cold. I didn’t want to think about what this is, where is this going, or what are we doing? Is this the right moment or do we have to bring everything in order in our separate lives before we can figure out what this is? I couldn’t be bothered with thinking about reality, but there it was that moment when reality suddenly kicks you in your butt and you realise it is all a bit too perfect to be true.

There you have two people with a lot of baggage from their past, clearly having a special connection, an attraction that is palpable but too afraid they would mess that up by getting closer.
And I wondered how much did I really learn on my journey? Sure, I found out so much about who I am and what I want, but did I actually learn to be honest to my self when it comes to my heart? Or is it far more easier, to stay in that world of fiction? It is so easy to create that perfect scenario in your imagination and then hide in reality in your work and everyday life. Have we all become too cynical to believe in love? My friend clearly gave up on it after his heart was ripped in to pieces and quite frankly said to me that fairy tales don’t exist! Now why does it automatically have to be a fairy tale? And what is a fairy tale in 2013? In a time where we are more concerned about our own success than relationships, how much space is there for fairy tales??

I left, jumped on the next bus home and quickly said hello to my friend Giulia. What a beautiful woman she is, strong and so fragile at the same time. When I listen to her story about her son and her husband and how difficult it all is, I couldn’t help but wonder:

How much are we willing to sacrifice?

For her it is so obvious what she is fighting for and I believe it shows great character to be a woman like she is. But what was I willing to sacrifice? Through my journey I learned to stay true to my self and not be someone I am not for someone else. I learned how to love, respect and believe in myself again. I believe that through that achievement I managed to come to the point of having the courage to finally have founded my theatre company and go after what I want. But why does it seem that when it comes to our hearts we often back off from what we want? Are the scares too deep? My scares from my surfing adventures were healing slowly, less obvious and red but they would always be there. They became a part of my body – of me – and I learned to accept that my skin on my legs would never look the same again no matter how many creams I would put on them. Now when I look down on my legs and I see them I feel almost proud that I have been able to go on this journey and make all these experiences that have thought me lessons for life. It reminds me of every single person that I met and spent my time with in that period of my life. With some more intense than with others, but I wont forget any and I am grateful to have met all of them!

May be we can bring back sort of a fairy tale possibility if we are able to look at our deepest scares in our hearts with a certain proudness that we were courageous enough to have made this experience in life. If we manage to look at them as a gift rather than we “fucked up”, then may be we can be open to the true connection that lies in front of us and that we are so scared of. And with a little less fear about doing it right this time we might not need all the control over our hearts that we so desperately try not to let go.

I decided to do some more work for the company and put my mind at rest for the time being. I realised that I already did have a fairy tale. I had a wonderful “friend” who believed in me and my work like no one else, someone I could talk to about everything, someone who once said: “I like the way your brain works!” What greater gift is there?! I looked down at my wrist and my new tattoo, smiled and said it out loud: Just go with the flow!

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About sarahschaefer

Pancakes and Panthers is a blog about the philosophical aspects of self discovery of a young actress from London. Life is too short to wait! View all posts by sarahschaefer

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