Tag Archives: Travels

The magical red sand

As I sit in the garden of my friend’s house, the sun is shining, Rachmaninov is playing on my computer in the back ground, I look out to the sea and I finally write again. The sea is calm today and so am I. I have left for this journey not only to come closer to my self, to reflect upon my life and my doing, but also to finally write.
In the last four weeks, ever since I arrived in Australia I had the hardest time to write. My writing was all over the place and it didn’t seem like I could bring order in to my thoughts.

After Indonesia and my trip to the volcano I felt connected to my self like never before in my life. I could feel that I was coming closer and closer to the transformation that I aspired yet not completely achieved. Happy within my self but also with a feeling that was simmering deep down in side of me, which I couldn’t yet name exactly what it was, I arrived in Australia with mixed emotions. I remember staying on top of Gungung Agung and feel that my life will soon take a major turn not knowing how or in what way exactly. And it did! As time went by I finally found a feeling inside of me that I have been looking for since the age of fifteen. I didn’t even look for it anymore it simply was a result from my transformation and connection to my self. Day by day the feeling of missing ‘home’ grew stronger. I came to the point where I knew I want to go home to London and that I want to live there, regardless of another person, friends or family, but because I want to and for me it is my place of home. Never before in my life I have come to this point that I feel like going home. When I left I didn’t know for how long or where exactly I was going. All I knew was that I had to take the time to listen to my own voice. For that I had to be as far away as possible from my known environment. I had to leave my comfort zone to be able to confront my self with my past and my doing.

My start in Australia was everything but rosy. Stuck in a situation that I no longer defined as healthy for me, I went to stay at my friend’s house and found my self in a small place called Stanwell Park in NSW, a beautiful spot right at a beach and next to the national park.

I could feel that my body and mind was exhausted from traveling and the reflections about my life. All I wanted was a break, but the interesting thing about going on a journey like this is, once you have opened that door to your self there is no turning back anymore. Your subconscious mind keeps working, if you like it or not. I am grateful for having reached that point where I can listen to my own voice and stay true to my self, regardless of how uncomfortable it can make you feel in certain moments.

The days passed and my heart felt heavier and heavier. Surrounded by pure beauty of this country an amazing new friend and feeling happy I couldn’t help but notice this feeling of longing in my heart. I started to miss London every day more and more. Long walks along the empty beach with my friends dog just intensified this longing.

The other day I was sitting in the train back from Sydney to Stanwell Park, when tears suddenly rolled down my cheeks. I was rather confused about my state of being since I have finally reached that level of being happy within my self regardless of the ‘where’ and with ‘whom’. But nevertheless, I am far more connected to my self that I therefore feel a new level of emotions that were hidden inside of me. I became aware of a feeling, a longing deep down in my heart for a very special person that I tried hard to neglect. Not only did I walk actively away from it and left London, I convinced my self that it is not true to the point that I started to believe it. I put my focus on purpose on something else.

So I started to think about when do we ‘know’ that we really feel something and when do we ‘think’ that we feel something? Or is it the ‘think’ that leads to the ‘know’?

As I looked out of the window and see the scenery pass me by I realised that the motion of the train helped me to bring motion in to my thoughts. I believe if you are really connected with your self and honest, a true connection will eventually come back around no matter how hard you try to neglect it or walk away from it. But we can certainly make our selves believe that we feel something to a certain degree.

I for one went out on a loop on purpose from the first moment I left London. I wanted to find out what I feel, how I feel towards me and people. I pushed my self in to new unknown circumstances that helped me develop an even more heightened understanding of my emotions. Eventually I did come to the point where I was able to differentiate between the ‘think’ and the ‘know’. Looking back to all theses different emotions, I can say that I did feel all of them, but they might have just been right for a specific time to get to the more important one. I am grateful for all of them, then without the experience I wouldn’t have suddenly realized that I can be on the other side of the world and it is still not far enough.

It is like Carl Jung said: “What you resist persists!”

What I resisted the most ever since my father passed away four and a half years ago, and may be it was even before then as well but certainly since then, was to be able to have a true connection to another person.
I often wondered why I kept going in a circle with my life and it was just recently that I realised that one of the reasons was that I resisted my true self. Therefore I kept attracting or putting my self in situations that were clearly not what I really wanted, but I made my self believe they could turn in to what I wanted. To a certain degree I fooled my self. I did not challenge my self nor was I honest. It was always very clear to me that I had one foot out the door the whole time.
Only ever since I started to reflect on the ravages from my past and present and trying to detach my self from them to look for a deeper connection with my self I was able to understand that.

A big thing these travels thought me, is patience, something that I would not have praised my self with in the past. But I learned to believe and trust again. And I started to trust in time and my transformation that the unconscious ‘me’ reveals what needs to be revealed at the right time.
It is almost like a little bit of magic! Something the thirteen-year-old daughter of my friend reminded me of.
For me the magic is in you and trusting yourself! Regardless of what others think of you, judge what you do or feel. If you are connected with yourself, you know what you feel and it is right at that time in your life.
May be it is the land of the red sand and it’s magic who has let me come another step closer to my transformation, or the full moon that was shining bright that night when I walked out of the train. What better sign from the universe for a new beginning than a bright full moon.

Stanwell Park

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Chez Maddy’s

It has been pouring down rain like I have never seen before. I always thought it rains a lot in London, but this kind of rain is a whole other level.
The skin feels sticky because the humidity level is extremely high.
I have been sitting with my friend Luiza from Brazil and a bunch of other buddies on the porch at Maddy’s, staring out in the sea and wondering when the rain would stop. To pass the time we ended up playing “Bullshit” and drunk Indonesian rum that tastes a bit like cherry and is absolutely not delicious.

Maddy’s is a fantastic little homestay all the way down in Padang Padang. It is hidden from all the rest and not that easy to find. After a small path on the bike you have to go down quite a view steep steps that you hate every time you have to go back up. It is extremely basic but you can’t help your self but love it!
There is something about Maddy’s that makes everyone join together and you end up being almost like a little family. You feel home at Maddy’s and you don’t want to leave Mamma Maddy’s house anymore. A view steps down and you can jump straight in to the water and go surfing. I haven’t stayed anywhere so far so long as here. And even though I decided to go with Giacomo, whom I met at Maddy’s, to go hike the Rinjani Vulcano in Lombok I already feel a bit sad by the thought of leaving this place. Uluwatu and everything down here as grown close to my heart.

I have had time to come down here at Maddy’s, the constant moving can be tiring and you can’t really process what you have experienced. Once at one place for a bit longer you come to realise how much you have seen and explored. How many interesting people you meet along the way and how much the cultures and costumes change. It is a real privilege to be able to experience all that.
My travels have thought me to be more open as a person and be a lot less judgemental towards people and their background.

The other day when I was surfing in Uluwatu I was struggling to paddle back out. Tired from the night out before I still decided to go out in the water but my body kept telling me to rest. I wouldn’t listen and paid the price. I didn’t catch any waves because I was too slow. There are always so many people in the water in Ulu that you have to be quick or you wont get a wave at all. After I decided to paddle in, the current took me out all the way and I had a long paddle in front of me. Angry and frustrated, I paddled back out convinced I could take one last good wave so I would feel good and could be content with the surf of this day. Suddenly someone paddled up next to me, quick and very easy, I got already annoyed about that, because I was so tired and nothing seemed easy to me at this moment. “Hello?” Was all he said and I wanted to response in a feisty way: “What do you want?” But in stead I turned my head and all I said was: ”Hi.” He smiled at me and I recognized him from before in the water. He caught every wave and was doing all sorts of tricks. “Long paddle, ei?” I could feel how my ambitious personality wanted to fight back and make sure I wouldn’t look like a fool, but instead I gave in and admitted totally honest: “Yes, it is not my day at all. I am so tired and I am not catching any waves.” “That’s ok, there are days like that, we all have them.” He smiled and after inviting me to have a drink later he paddled off.
I was left behind, thinking: “Was that an invitation now or what, and where and when?” I continued paddling and watched how he already caught the next wave. I tried to figure out if I do want to have a drink with him or not. I decided o go out and headed for the reef. The reef cut in to my feet while walking over it and my tempo was slower than the one of a snail.
“There you are, I thought I lost ya!” Said a very strong Australian accent behind me. I turned and there he was again walking a lot smoother over the reef than me. He offered me to carry my board but of course I wouldn’t allow that. We walked together over the reef and I accepted his help of getting my balance by holding on to his shoulder. I could feel that I liked the fact that someone was looking out for me. I noticed a bunch of stickers on his board and it was obvious that he was sponsored, but I didn’t want to ask if he was a professional surfer. He must have caught my eyes checking out the stickers but he didn’t say it yet. Instead he asked me for how long I have been surfing and I honestly told him that I have only been surfing for one month. His eyebrows went up with a slight tilt back of his head, which indicated the surprise of me surfing at this spot. I wouldn’t admit it, but that little gesture made me feel a lot better about my shitty day.

On the little hill in Uluwatu, which you walk back up along surf shops and bars, he introduced me to his friends. Never in my life I met a group of people like them. They were all Free-riders and just came back from a two-week boat trip in the Mentawi’s. They have been on that boat in the jungle away from any sort of civilisation that at first they seemed a bit rough and I felt a bit lost in their world. But shortly after I felt so welcomed and comfortable that I accepted his invitation to dinner.
He told me he will pick me up later and I tried to insist to get there with my own bike. He made me laugh when he said, that he is old-fashioned and that he is the man and will drive. He seemed to be everything but old-fashioned! I can’t remember the last time I was being picked up for a dinner. I realised I am so used to be on my own and pay for my self, that all the feelings that crumbled up inside of me, were confusing me. I decided to just go with it and enjoy the moment. It was worth letting go, the evening with him and his friends was beautiful.

Back in London I only had friends who are in the same industry as me. Never in my life I would have thought that I open up to such a different lifestyle and would feel comfortable. As for now, for the first time I can just go with the flow and see where the wind is blowing me.

The surf, the sun, the nice smell of the incense from the offerings everywhere, the people, the fact that I can get up and read a book and write – all together is magical and I sometimes can’t believe my luck!

Maddy's


A breakthrough moment in Pacitan

Pacitan what a great place! I was in heaven once I arrived and was able to go to bed with the sound oft the waves. I slept like a baby and left the city smog behind me.

At Harry’s Ocean House you get invited quickly in to a community, I loved it straight away. I also got to cook for the first time in Indonesia my self and really enjoyed going to the market and buy fresh vegetables and tofu with a lot of chillies of course.

Pacitan is rather small and there isn’t much going on. You won’t find any touristy things and I really appreciated that fact a lot. You go there because you love the nature and you surf. There is not much else to do.

Getting up in the morning and having at first a look at the surf then jump on your motorbike and off you go to one of the three main surf spots in the area. There is also one spot that I call “my secret beach”. To get there it is quite an adventure. After a drive on the motorbike in the hills on a road that requires a certain driving skill, you have to put your motorbike on hold and hike the rest. It was burning hot on that day as I made my way to the secret beach. On the way I came across an older Javanese man, who decided to walk me to the beach. He spoke not a word of English and we walked rather quietly side by side. We came across farmers in the hills and I was amazed how they live and work up there. It seemed like a different world.
They road made it’s way downhill and suddenly I saw beautiful rice fields just like I pictured them before coming to this country. I could hear the waves a bit further a way and I knew I couldn’t be too far away. And there, peeking out between the palm trees and rice fields was a cove like I have never seen before in my life. As I reached the beach with the old man I was lost for words. The pure beauty of nature was mind-blowing. The water was turquoise and blue, the sand white with palm trees greener than green. Not a single other human being was on the beach. I sat down and just looked out in the sea and enjoyed the beauty. The old man sat next to me and he kept pointing to my board that I carried with me with the hope to be able to surf. I smiled and tried to explain to him that the current was to big for me to go out alone. He smiled and I wasn’t sure if he understood what I was trying to say. We sat a bit longer underneath a palm tree and later made our way back towards the bikes.
He seemed to have known every farmer we came across and eager with a big smile pointed towards me. I figured he said he brought me to the beach but wasn’t sure what he really said to them. As we reached the motorbikes I tried to give him a little bit of money as a thank you but he refused it and I finally gave in. I thanked him gratefully and we tried to get back with our bikes, which was harder than I thought.
It was a beautiful day and I was thankful to have met such a wonderful man.

In Pacitan I finally got my answer from RADA. I was waiting for this now since Mai. All this time whilst traveling I asked my self “what if” I get in “what if” I don’t get in. The funny thing was the longer I travelled the more I kept thinking that I get in and that it would be a nice way of knowing which direction my life would go. I would sort of have something to return to, something that defines a plan.

I have experienced so many wonderful and beautiful things so far on my journey, and there hasn’t been a moment in which I was bored or didn’t know what to do. Nevertheless you live day by day, not knowing what will be tomorrow. For me something I am not used to. It needs a lot of confidence to trust your self to know that it will all be just fine. I think the reason why we all make these plans and put our self’s in to these boxes, so-called career or social agendas, is because we are scared of the unknown. It is ten times easier to make a full worked out life plan by what time you have which degree ad which job title, when you want to get married and have children than just live your life. I have always admired people who are able to do that. I am someone who always had a plan. I always knew what I wanted to do with my life.

Here I was about to open that certain message that again is putting me in that box that I was not that happy to be in anymore and all I could think was: I hope I got in! I have to admit that the last few days I got a little scared of not knowing exactly how my journey is going to continue. By the fact of a “yes” from this school I could plan out the whole next few month till I would have to go back to London.

I opened the message and I couldn’t believe the word that stuck out to me in huge letters. “Unfortunately”! I didn’t even have to read on, I knew in that moment it is a “no”!
I got so angry, frustrated and also sad. Why didn’t they want me? Why didn’t they accept me? I had a “kitchen floor melt down “ moment. I could feel how my whole world collapsed. What was I going to do now? I suddenly realized that I fooled my self. I did say I wanted to go on this journey to find out what I really wanted to do. And there I got exactly what I asked for only that I didn’t count with the possibility to be literally so exposed to it and that in the middle of nowhere in Indonesia. In a way I think I never even considered not doing it or doing something else. The share amount of possibilities what I could do now was suddenly frightening to me. I could travel everywhere and I could work anything. What am I going to do? What is my purpose now? That was the question!

That night I went to bed with tears rolling down my cheeks. I tried to be quiet since I was sleeping in a dorm and didn’t want anyone to know that I was crying because I got rejected from RADA.
I got up very early and went straight to the beach, jumped on my board and started to paddle out all my anger. It felt good that I could feel my body, but I wasn’t there. My thoughts were still circling around that letter and my situation. Therefore I didn’t surf well because I wasn’t in the here and now, which then of course frustrated me even more. I felt like I was doing worse than before.

Actively I reminded my self why I love surfing so much. That moment you connect with the nature and you feel your body. You put your self in the here and now and it is almost like a way of meditation. In that moment it seems there is nothing else that matters. And it worked! My heart relaxed my brain stopped running in high-speed motion and I felt happy. In that moment I took my best wave so far and the feeling was extraordinary!! I was filled with joy and all I could think of was that I was thankful for being in this beautiful country and get to live an amazing life!

I didn’t spend one more negative thought on RADA and the whole story. I understood why it had to happen like this. And even though it is scary and unknown what will happen in my life, one thing I was certain of: I was one more step closer to my true self because I put my self for the very first time in the present. There was no plan that I could think about there was no past that I was missing, there was just the now. And in that particular “now” I was just happy and that felt great!

Pacitan

Pacitan


My little secret of Yogykarta

Lock in Yogykarta

As I walked trough the Sultan Palace in Yogykarta I suddenly realised that my Star of David is no longer around my neck. I lost my necklace that I carried everyday because it reminded me of my father. The first one that I received from my dad, got stolen while I was on a shoot for a Film. Now the second one that I specifically bought to remember him is gone as well. I didn’t even flip out or got really sad or mad. I only said to Emily, with whom I made the trip that I could use a drink now. As we were walking through the market, the sun was burning down and I felt like I was about to melt, I thought about my necklace and what it represented for me.

Did my necklace represent another box, a box that I have to leave as well? Was this meant to happen because I am on this journey? I never wore it because I felt that I was very religious not at all, but it was always very important to me to connect it to my father. Since my father was an orphan from the Second World War and he never really knew where exactly he was from, this was what was left in terms of roots. He wasn’t religious ether but the only thing he would say was: “I am Jewish”. I always wanted to know where I was from and it is still a desire I carry around with me. So in a way I continued what my father did.

I had a big sip from my beer and I could feel that through the heat it went faster in my bloodstream than usually.

Who am I without my necklace, my father, my job, the theatre and my comfort zone?
It made me think of the Sultan Palace I just saw. All these pictures of the whole monarchy, that went back over generations. The whole palace and even the water palace, which was the Sultans bath, made him in a way immortal.
Did I really need a necklace to make my father immortal for myself? No, I don’t even need him to be immortal. I loved my father more than anything and no matter if I carry a necklace to remember him or not, I will never forget him and nether my roots. In a way I felt lighter. Unusual and constantly with the feeling of that my neck felt very naked, I decided to embrace this new opportunity.

And then something interesting happened. Since my dad was a big fan of culture, travel and art and as a child we would always have to go see every temple, monument and museum etc. as soon as we were on a trip, I started to look out for things he would have liked or we would have talked about. I suddenly started to look at everything with him in my mind and I saw things that I would have like better and things that he would have found more interesting. Ever since he passed that was the moment I felt my roots the most. My father thought me so much through his work, his interests, and his travels that “this” was in a way him. I carry on what he thought me, how much more can you ask for when it comes to roots. Yes, I might not know exactly which country and what cultural influence I carry in me but I know where I am from. From my father!

In a way Yogykarta showed me a hidden secret about my self almost like it’s hidden street art, which is also my favourite thing of Yogykarta. If you look for it you can build your own city map just with the street art and you will know where to go. On my way back from Pacitan to Yogy I found myself being pretty secure with directions due to my own “city map”.

Another very impressive moment was when Emily and I went to go see how they built the Shadow puppets. It is fascinating how delicate this work is. To finish one of the puppets it takes one week and that is without colouring it. The artist who explained to us where the puppets come from and what their meaning is had a so much passion whilst talking about it, that I was totally captured by him and the whole art. I wanted to know everything. Every figure has its own story and in the whole design you can find their power and purpose. Very Impressive! One of them stuck to me, it was the one with a big bum. And if you looked closely you saw three major circles in the figure. One was the bum, one the stomach area and one the head. The three represent the three centers in the body:
Mind – feeling – instinct.
He explained to us that there must be a balance between all three of them otherwise it wouldn’t be healthy. I had to smile a bit, then he was so right. How often do we not succeed in finding the balance between all three of them! Often in the Western civilisation we are more mind oriented. We believe we can control everything with our thoughts and it will all work out. We have fix plans on how things have to turn out and by what time we have to have accomplished certain things. It made a lot of sense to me what he said, but I also thought it is easier said than done.

He saw my temporary tattoo on my wrist, which represented for me the waves, life, vitality and creativity. He looked at my tattoo and said: “This is very you. You are a very passionate woman and you care more for others than your self. You have a very deep character and you take a long time to decide. You think about it for a while and once you know you want it, you go for it. You connect quickly to people and you give them your trust. But often you don’t stay true to your self. You let other people influence you. You have to trust more your heart!”

I stared at him and at first I couldn’t say anything. How right the man was! One of the reasons I left was exactly that I wanted to learn to listen to my heart and not be influenced by others. And still on my journey when I spend a few days with someone, I always want to make sure they are happy. Day by day I am learning more to do what I want to do, regardless of what others think or want to do. And it gives an inner peace to your heart, because you can feel that the decision was the right one.

The next day Emily and I took a trip to Borobodur. It is Javas biggest Buddhist Temple. We rented a motorbike and I enjoyed that part very much. Driving in the city with the locals, surrounded by thousands of motorbikes, I was finally part of the “honey bees”. I was happy to see that Emily trusted my driving style and I trusted her with finding the way to the temple. We made a pretty good team. Once we arrived at Borobodur, we had to see that this place is a massive tourist attraction. Nevertheless I wanted to see it. We put on our sarong’s and made our way to the top. Pretty quickly we had to realize that not the temple was the main attraction, we were. All the Indonesian tourists asked all the Western tourists if they can take a picture with them. We were literally followed around the whole temple. I didn’t like this at all. I wanted to get a feeling of the temple and its history. Emily and I started to hide in places where they wouldn’t go. Once there, we realised what an incredible place this actually is. The enormity of the whole temple is incredible and beautiful.

On our way back we not only had to get the tire fixed but almost back in Yogykarta we ran out of gas in the middle of the highway. So I started to pull to the side and saw across the street a little place who would sell gas. I started to talk to them and they were laughing so much, but a split second later the older man ran across the street and filled our bike back up with gas. I couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t a problem for anyone. No one honked the horn no one screamed: “Get out-of-the-way”.

I learned in this country that the people here always see a solution when there seems to be a little problem. For them it is more about finding another way to solve the situation. They don’t seem to get stressed out that quickly at all. I am so grateful I get to experience this culture and I have learned so much from them already.

street art in Yogykarta


Cimaja – Pelabuhan Ratu – Sukabumi – Bandung – Pangandaran

I left at 5.30 in the morning to catch the first bus towards Sukabumi. As I left Leo’s little paradise I felt almost a little wistful about leaving Cimaja. This place really has grown close to my heart in only this short period. But I was also excited to see more of Java.

With the little ankot to Pelabuhan Ratu from there with the bus to Sukabumi. Change the bus in Sukabumi and go to Bandung, from there one more change and off to Pangandaran.

I had about a 12 hour journey in front of me. In Pelabuhan Ratu was my bus already waiting and it also left right away once I was on the bus. Strange, I thought, since when do these buses actually leave on time!? I said to my self, it must be the early hour. I was still very tired and felt safe enough to fall asleep in the bus. I read and heard everywhere that if you travel alone you shouldn’t sleep on the bus because your stuff will be gone. Also, my friend Walet told me the story that on this particular way people try to sell you rings in the bus and if you put it on your finger you will be falling asleep. Once you wake up all your stuff will be gone. I even saw the rings so I can assure that it isn’t a fake story. Never the less, I didn’t have any problems so far and I always fall asleep in these buses. Since the roads are so bad and it is extremely bumpy and wiggles you around like a baby in a crib. Just not as soft. But for me it works like a charm.

We arrived in Sukabumi and again there was my next Bus waiting for me and again left within the next five minutes.
This time I wasn’t as comfortable as before. The bus was so full that people had to stand. I was sitting with one buttcheek on the seat and with the other one in the air, because I squished my backpack on the same seat. I didn’t think that I was going to sit like this for the next 3 hours but I actually had to.

The bus stopped and a young woman came on and sat next to me. She looked like she was fifteen years old but as we started to talk later on, it turned out she is twenty. She also, like many others, works in a bigger city during the week and then goes back home on the weekends. Her mother was with her, and for almost everything she wanted, like for example food in the bus, she asked for permission. It made me think how I was with twenty or how the twenty something ones are in London. I don’t think any of them are asking for permission anymore.

We were getting closer to Bandung and I was expecting a huge city. As I was looking out the window and realised due to the traffic that we must be in the city, I couldn’t see that “huge” city that I was expecting. Shortly after we already stopped at the bus station and I realised I never really made it in the centre. I got out of the bus and stood in the middle of all these buses of which most of them were about to drive of. Everything around me was moving and I had trouble finding the name Pangandaran on any of the buses. After walking in a circle and asking people who seemed to keep pointing towards all the buses I decided to stand in the middle of the square and shout loud “Pangandaran”. A man in a bus on the left hand side already on the move, shouted back: “Here Miss, here Miss – Going to Pangandaran!!” I ran after the bus and while I was running I kept asking if he is going to Pangandaran. His answer was rather wage but I had to decide in a split second and jumped on the bus.

Once on the bus I realised that I was in an economic bus. Packed and full of men who were staring at me I tried to find a free seat. No luck! I had to stand for three hours straight and I definitely reached the moment where I left my comfort zone. Judged and stared at, I couldn’t help but think that every single person in this bus was thinking: “Ah god another traveler! Another Backpacker!” I tried to smile my way in to their approval but never ever did it take me so long.
I had to change bus again and finally I was on the one to Pangandaran.

After twelve hours of travel, I finally arrived in Pangandaran and made my way to find a hostel.

Pangadaran beach

Panorama guesthouse it was!
A little guesthouse more or less right at the beach run by Tika, a lovely local lady. It is a cute little guesthouse that is very simple but has a lot of charm and so far the best banana pancakes I had in my life!

Pangandaran is a village that has become a holiday resort for locals from Bandung or Jakarta. You can tell when walking through the village that tourism has taken over. Unlike Cimaja it is not rural anymore and the moment you arrive and step out of the bus you will be asked by plenty of men on their motorbikes if you need a ride. I was in the mood for walking after twelve hours of sitting on my bum, and it was quite a task to full fill, believe me!

The beach is a beautiful sand beach with great waves i the morning. If you get up early enough you will have the perfect break. After twelve noon it will be flat and you will have to wait till around five and if you are lucky you can have a late surf again. There are a lot of locals who have surf shops a long the beach and so I was fortunate to get again tips after tips. I had an amazing time with them and all I wanted to do was to get better. The feeling I had ever since the first moment I started surfing got stronger and stronger. There is only one place I can turn of my brain (which is kind of hard for me), be in the moment and feel that I am alive. I have absolutely no sorrows once I am in the water.

There is something about Pangandaran that is capturing even though it is not as beautiful as Cimaja in my opinion.
You can take day trips to the green canyon and green valley. Or you can go to paradise island and see amazing animals and a beautiful white beach. But right here is the thing about Pangandaran. All those places lose their appeal, in my opinion, because all the local tour guides ruin them with their trips. It is all about money! Of course I understand that this is the way they are making their living but it is also them who don’t take care of their own land. The amount of trash that they are throwing on the ground is shocking!

I wanted to go by my self but it is not so easy to do, because faster than you can blink you have one of them on your side and they wont leave till you paid them. I still went for one trip and decided I wanted to go see the waterfalls in green valley. I expected a hike and huge waterfalls, but as we got there the way was plastered with stones so that every one, no matter how out of shape, will eventually get there. When I wanted to walk to the second waterfall a bit further away, it was more of a hike and my tour guide was the one who was out of breath.
Even though I was a bit disappointed, it was still very beautiful and worth my trip!

One thing that impressed me in Pangandaran was how much the locals love their village. The ones I met and surfed with all worked in Bali for sometime or still do. But all of them every single one, said they want to come back and live here in Pangadaran. For them it is the best place to be.

All my live it impresses me when I meet people who love their home town so much that no matter where they go in the world, they know they will eventually come back home. I never had that feeling to the place I spent my childhood. It was beautiful for sure, but I know for a fact that I will never go back there. On the other hand I have learned that home can also be in one self. If you are happy and content with yourself and you know who you are, you are basically home everywhere you go.
Nevertheless, I think we all search for that place and person that we can call home. For some it is where they grew up for some it is a new place and for some it is a person. More importantly it is the ride that counts and that makes us appreciate “home”. Without the ride we wouldn’t know what we miss, love or want.

The stories of those guys reminded me on my ride and how grateful I am for being able to do this. Little by little I know more what it is I want for my home!

I spent a memorable time there. Meet amazing people, learned a lot about my self and surfed for the first time a 6ft short bord.
Thank you Pangandaran!

Beautiful wave in Pangandaran


Little Cimaja

Cimaja is a little village 30 minutes outside of Pelabuhan Ratu right at the beach. It is quite small and the people are very friendly. They welcome you with everything they have. Almost the whole village felt like it was a big family. Everyone knows everyone and of course everything about everyone!

The first morning I went straight to the food market in Pelabuhan Ratu with Ben, whom I met at Leo’s little paradise. It was raining so once we arrived there at the market we walked ankle-deep through mud along all sort of things. From clothes to shoes and finally to my fruits. I was longing for this the whole time ever since I arrived. I have heard so many of my friends talk about the fruits in Asia and how different they are. I wanted to walk through the whole market and we came across the most interesting food I have ever seen. The way they preserve the fish was incredible. They put it in a lot of salt to preserve it and never before have I seen so much tofu. There were these chillies everywhere and I was allowed to try one. Knowing a little bit that they are very spicy I thought I just go for it and took a bite. Wow, not only did I think my mouth was burning but I couldn’t stop crying. So there I was laughing at crying at the same time. Of course all the locals at the market had a good laugh about the whole situation.

I wanted to buy so many different fruits just to try them, but I could never eat all of them, so I thought I bring some to the people at the hostel and share them. Who doesn’t like fruit, right? After bargaining down the prizes with Ben who speaks Indonesian we enjoyed our fruity breakfast back at the hostel. My friends were right, I have never tasted such a good mango and pineapple before. We enjoyed fresh coconut and dragon fruit, watermelon and matakucing – it was wonderful.

Ready and energized, we went to the beach and I had my first try at surfing. Since I windsurf and snowboard I thought I must get the hang of this pretty quickly, but once in the water I realized it is quite different. I am really ambitious when it comes to sports I won’t stop until I can do it. The feeling I had when I stood up on my first wave that day was incredible. There are no words to describe this feeling! I was hocked immediately. From that moment on I knew this is what I want to do everyday and become better and better. So the next day I was up at six am, ready to go see how the surf was. The locals were amazing, giving me tips and kept shouting: “Now, this one – go, go, go!” So, day by day, I could tell I was improving and the feeling kept getting better. But I wanted more. I didn’t care how much my board rashes that I meanwhile got on my legs and chest, were hurting. The bare feeling of freedom on that board and the absolute peace I felt in the water, were much stronger than the pain.

I believe I never had a feeling like this before in a sport and I was always very sporty. Already back in high school, I went to a sports school and the passion for sports is not new to me at all. Still, I reached a totally different level with surfing. I want to get up at 5.30 in the morning for it and I already missed the feeling that one day I was back in the bus to continue my travels.

A few days later a French couple joined us in the hostel and Vincent, what a coincidence, happened to be a surf instructor in France. I took my chance and asked him if he could give me later a few tips and therefore could improve my surfing. He wanted to go in first him self and then he would give me some tips. I wasn’t going to wait and went in with him straight to the big waves. He was quite surprised after I told him that it was my third day and said: “One thing is very good, you are not scared of going in to the big waves.”
I didn’t even realize it, all I did was I followed the locals. I kept watching them how they did everything, started to talk to them and simply believed they must know where it is good. Was my thinking naive? Was I without caution? No, I don’t believe so. I gave them my trust and they felt it. They always watched if I was doing O.K. and I felt safe.
That day I had a few acid drops (When you take off on a wave and have the bottom suddenly fall out as you free fall down the face), but I went back out every time. Vincent gave me the tip to go practice in the white swell. If I can manage to get up there, it would help me to get a better balance and control in the wave.
Immediately I went closer to the beach and I literally wouldn’t leave the water until I had it down! I just kept doing it over and over and wouldn’t give up. Eventually I got the hang of it and started to feel the movement.

That day a wind suddenly came up and the waves started to be flat. No chance you could surf. I found my self at the beach with no book no paper to write on – nothing! And for the first time I realized that I had a big problem with just being there and doing nothing. I was talking about this in my first post, that I wanted to go to Bali, learn how to surf, meditate and do nothing – just be. Well it turned out I wasn’t so good at the “just be” part!

I sat at the beach looked out in to the sea and could feel how my brain started to run in high motion. What was that? Why could I meditate and get to a state of not thinking and being absolutely in the moment but not while sitting at the beach? Did it have something to do with the fact that meditating is also doing something?
I believe that it is a something very healthy when you can manage to come down and just be in the moment. It is important to give your brain and body a break so you can recapture your energy.
The reason I think many people struggle with this is, because if you keep being in action and doing something you don’t have to confront yourself with certain feelings and thoughts.
I also found out that many of these backpackers don’t have that tranquillity. Even if you put in a day of relaxation and you “chill” there are always other people around. It is harder that one can imagine to end up alone and really be with yourself. There is always something happening and you always meet someone new. Plus most of them don’t travel alone. But may be not all of them have that desire like me to come closer to your self and really get to know who you are. Which is absolutely reasonable too.

I was still looking out in the sea and thought about my journey. I am extremely thankful for what I have been able to experience so far. It was full of excitement and new things that I forgot a little about what was missing in my life in London and why I went on this journey. On the right hand side was a couple in the water taking a swim. They were adorable how they forgot everything around them. The share amount of love between them was blowing in my direction and therefore evoke the feeling of love inside of me. It has been a long time that I felt that way and was able to share it with a special someone. I had to smile and while watching them and it made me think of one of my favourite quotes:

“Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you desire, and at last you create what you will.”
George Bernard Shaw – Playwright

I absolutely live after this and I believe it works. I imagined my self on this trip far before I thought that I actually will be able to do it. But every day while meditating, at work, in the tube or in the shower, I would imagine my self in Bali. Sometimes still can’t believe that I am actually on my way there right now.

Suddenly a voice behind me took me out of my thoughts. Rudi, or Walet as the locals call him, asked me if I am interested in going to the hot springs. Of course I was! I read about them before and wanted to go see them anyway. Quickly I hoped on the back of his motorbike and off we drove up the hill to the hot springs.
Directly from the lava underneath the ground comes hot water up in the air and drizzles down in the little river that is cold. The perfect spa session in pure nature right in front of me! Amazed by what I saw I walked behind Walet in the river and stood underneath the hot water. That was perfect after the surf this morning. I could feel how my skin and my muscles enjoyed the hot water. The locals take a lava stone from the river and rub their skin with it. Your dead skin gets rubbed off and it becomes super soft.
We laughed and talked with a mixture of English and Indonesian till our hands and feet looked like “grandma-skin”. It was the perfect day.

Another moment that I will keep dearly in my heart from Ciamja was, when I was on my way with Ben and Peter to sunset beach. They wanted to stop to have some soup. At a small place right next to the road we made a quick stop. Suddenly there were all these school girls around the age of 16 on motorbikes giggling and looking at us. Finally they came over and with all their courage they asked us if they could interview us for a school project. We were happy to help them in any way.
The group leader (at least that is what I sensed) kept apologizing for her English. And when I told her that her English perfect and she is doing a fabulous job she blushed and hid with a big smile behind her hand.
They asked us all sorts of questions about where we were from, what we are doing here and what we think of Cimaja and Indonesia. They also asked us what our profession is and Peter responded and said: “ I am a medical student.” They only understood student and nodded with their heads, so I quickly jumped in and said that he is a doctor. And there they was their big “Awww’s” and impressed eyes.
It was my turn and I told them that I am an actress and a writer. Risa, the leader, couldn’t believe what she heard and kept asking me if I am an actress and I kept saying yes. Once she translated it to her friends, they all started to laugh, jump around and scream as if I was someone known. For them this was a big deal and the girl immediately wanted to know everything about me. Moved by their reaction I asked Risa what she wants to become one day and she told us that she wants to be a teacher. I told her that this is a very good and important profession and she was thrilled to hear that. The last question was what is you most memorable moment in Cimaja and we all said: “This interview!”
After our short photo session we hoped in the next ankot to sunset beach. We were talking in the bus about the girls and how wonderful it is to see that a teacher here encourages their students to practise English and be courageous and interact with other people.
I only learned later that it is not obvious that every child can go to school here. The government won’t change that on purpose and I think it is so sad to see that a change in that matter will still take many years!

I had such an amazing time in Cimaja that I decided to stay one more night and will enjoy the surf the next day.
For my last evening I went with young Mr. E (That is how he calls him self because it is more simple, he said.), a local from Cimaja, to get some traditional food. I was in the mood for fish and he took me to a cute little place where they literally fished the fish out of the water killed it and grilled it! I would say it doesn’t get much fresher than that!

Cimaja is a must in my opinion if you travel through West Java. It’s charm will take you in immediately.
A place of tranquility and fun with locals – a place that I can only recommend!

School girls who interviewed Peter, Ben and me


First ticket booked!

I decided to do it! I gave my one week notice last week and bought a one way ticket to the first destination.

On the 19th of May I will be jumping on a train from London to Paris and from Paris to Bern.

I promised my mother I will come fix her terrace first, since she of course came up with all sorts of things that need help around the house so I will stop at hers first. I love my mother with all of my heart and absolutely understand where she is coming from. And I can’t wait to finally hug her again!

As for my audition at RADA – I have 3 more days to study and get rid of my horrible flu that I caught. At the moment I have a voice that is the deeper version of Brigitte Bardot! So let’s drink some lavender tea and hope that it will stop raining for a change.

The closer my leaving date comes the more scared I get. But I guess it is a good thing to be scared a little. I do have to admit that there are moments where I am asking my self: “What are you doing Sarah?” But then I have suddenly a smile on my face and my answer is always the same; “I am going on a journey.” Every time it calms me down because it doesn’t imply in any way how this is supposed to be turning out. I am giving my self the liberty of living in the moment. Scary? – Yes! Exciting? – Absolutely!
I have heard from quite a lot of people in the last week that they wish they could do something like this too. Every time I said; “You can!” I hope that may be this blog can inspire some people to do what they want to do. No matter how scary it is or how unrealistic. And that they get inspired like I did when I hear from people who did something like this.

I wrote to John that I will be soon starting my journey and that I have been thinking about him and thought about what could be. So I told him that I have been thinking about going towards his direction first. If he wants to spend some time with me and see what this could be and if not, he could just tell me. I don’t mind. The response was surprising to me because a little part in me thought that he might think I am a bit crazy. But instead he said that it would be great to see me again. It is just a bit tricky because he will be working on a Yacht soon and therefore not always at the same place.
For a whole week I was on a high from my decision and that response. But as always that doesn’t last forever. And as soon as there was no response after a second message I started to question my whole idea. “What am I doing?” – “I am going on a journey!” And there it was again, that smile on my face and in my heart. I am doing this for me and not for anyone else. So what could I loose? Nothing!
I don’t know why I know it, but I am pretty sure I will see him again soon. And till then I will enjoy my journey with all that comes with it.


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